sometimes_life_aint_so_bad_always_ever

It wasn't until three o'clock the next afternoon, in the office bathroom, that I realized my underwear was on backwards, had been for more than a day – a thought which was directly followed by the realization that I must not have pissed in all that time either, that most likely I was bone dry on the inside and had gotten pretty close to slitting my wrists with Bacardi. I was faced with two choices – zip up and move to a stall, or somehow fumble for my dick, yanking at the leg holes of my boxer briefs – but neither seemed like very acceptable movements in the midst of a white-tiled conversation with my boss's boss about what I did this weekend.


I didn’t tell him about the toasts I made, nor the toasts I should have made apologizing in advance. I didn’t tell him that at a white wedding I raised my glass to the women we love, and to the women who love us, but (overcome by the incongruence of this moment and my intractable erection) went on to say that the women we love aren’t the women who love us, so fuck those women, here’s to us. I didn’t detail my defense to the vagina-monologuing faux-menist who took offense to the toast, who couldn’t understand that the “women” might just as easily be substituted for “people” or “men” or “donkeys” or whatever the fuck she was into.


I didn’t tell boss man about the hogtie, or how I would make her squeal. I didn’t mention anything about peach fuzz. I didn’t tell him what Pearl Jam’s “Black” meant to her. I leaned one hand on the cold, metal urinal-head as I didn’t tell him about how the bride’s mom was looking for some of that youngstuff and for a moment I thought it would be a nice wedding gift if I took her into the bushes and fucked her until she remembered where she was when JFK was shot.


I didn't tell him about the groomsmen’s speeches that turned friendship into a pissing contest, each man legitimizing his value by quantifying how long ago they had met the man in question. Nor did I mention the bridesmaids’ speeches, no, for they were only concerned with telling the groom how they knew this was the real thing because they liked him so much better than all of the ex-boyfriends, apologies be damned if there were any of us out there.


Out there, damned and violencing upon myself, forever holding my piece, I didn’t say anything.


a_a