more_to_the_world

She says it's because she's more evolved. She says this to me in this place that has white air and little to say in the way that places without drinks sometimes don't speak. I am not saying much. She starts with half-starts and I believe this is because of the air or her evolution and so I do not say anything. I wait for the saying and she tells me I don't think and she pauses and starts over and tells me I don't think you even know yourself but she stops again and never gets to the good stuff and goes on starting over like we're never getting to the end and I wonder if that is how evolution works. She is not the first woman to talk to me in this way. Some of them sometimes usually ever tell me something about how they talk like this because they're not sure if they're getting through and whether or not I'm listening and this is usually when I get the feeling they're going somewhere and so I ask them where they're going and then they usually sigh and start even further back.

You see—
No, I don't.
Don't interrupt me.
Okay.
You see...
...

To be swallowed by drink is what I would say. I don't speak but if I was going to speak that is what I would say. I don't know why I would say it.

Can't you see? What if it was you that got hit? What if everyone just walked on by like it wasn't theirs to fix? You can't act like you're not part of this world, Ash.
I made it.
What?
I made you, too.

Things must be made. I say this. Things must be made to cope with the endurance of it all. Mothers and fathers make children and make names for children, and children make mothers and fathers Mothers and Fathers. I made my mother and I made my father. I made my mother and I made my father and I made my grandmother follow me as a boy by the finger and I pointed at what I had made without diapers behind curtains, I made them look to make sure it was there. I made them look at what I made to make sure they could see it. Imagination is not imagination if you share but sometimes you share just to make sure they can see it. I would point and say "look" and look at their faces and study them to see if the love went out, I would experiment with this and other small disasters always with the same result and always with the same distrust of the result.

She tells me I wasn’t always this ugly. I told a woman once I would stop eating meat if she would admit she secretly got off offending carnivores but she declined because she said I always ruin everything.

I am not sure when this one wipes her lips if she is telling me she is ready to leave or ready to retell me how she's more evolved. It's all the same to me and I don't speak. I do not speak but if I was going to speak I would say I do not think you even know yourself there is more to life than saving it.


a_a